everything end up posting here

Privately to my EX jia wen
Suddenly think of something to write, about my ex. This note is not directly write for her. Just the voice of my heart :) She can count as my first girlfriend because i never really be with any girl before her. In beginning, i don't really expect of having any girlfriend because i don't look good, and i am poor. In such a coincidentally, we know each other in facebook. We are not having any special relationship at all. We start with friend. Start in phone. Contacting each other daily. Think back of the past, actually it just happen two year ago. She is a very childish and immature girl. Things attract me the most, is her voice and look. She sound cute and look cute. I like taking care of her. But i fail to own her heart. Me and her is having a very naive relationship for that time. Not feeling regretting but everything comes too early. I shouldn't meet her or know her this early time :) or maybe she can be my forever. The only girl i fall so deep. Suddenly feel speechless saying about her things. Not feeling like sharing too. No use talking back things that have pass. Just make it as the memory that me and her only know. Main thing i writing this is, i wanted to write something to her, but i don't want her to see :) Its been a long time since the day we breakup. I never worry that you will dump me someday. I didn't even think of it. But you really done it. I really feel regret of why. Why i can so such a hurtful things to you? I request for breaking up, countlessly. Finally, i understand your feeling. I am so proud of you, you hurt me so deep. It is fine if you dislike me, but you choose another guy? The only things pop up in my mind is just worry. I worry about you, together with a guy that i never know. For me, you are so naive and you are still a kid. You don't know what is good or bad. You don't even know what a human really thinks. Yes, i admit, i hate you before after breakup. You ruin my life. You make me become a guy that always jealous of people. Maybe. I hate seeing your new life. Why your life can have so many people around you. Why i must life alone everyday with computer? I even play game alone. The deepest you love someone, the deepest you hate the one you love before. I think, you hate me so damn much. And try think back, how you tell me you love me. I really put your word in my mind. This is one of the reason i feel so secure being with you. I wont forget you tell me that you wont choose other boy anymore. You only want me. If you love other boy, you still will be with me. Don't want to leave me. I really listen it quietly each time you tell me. But all is fake :) i never do what i say, same to you. I never think that you will do such a bullshit thing. Telling everyone how bad am i? Things already become past. I wont mind it anymore. As long as your mouth is shut and don't effect my life. I never think for wanting you back, i never plan to own you one more time. I wonder how much have you change? Same? For me, i change a lot since the day you leave me. But, my heart is still lonely. You know? I found another girlfriend after breaking up with you 4month. Believe it? Sure no. But this is true. To be honest, my wound is not cure at that time. But now, everything dry up. Although 2years have pass, but i still think of you sometime. My facebook profile still have some tag and picture with you. Remove some. But still there. I don't wish to be with you back. Only hope our happy moment can be permanent. Genting :) watches :) bus stop :) escaletor :) much much more. All the feel is still strong last time. But now, i really no feeling anymore. My current girlfriend now, hm. She never get my feeling. The feeling inside me, she never know. She only think i have the same feeling with her. I don't need people to care me, or know about me. I only want people to tell me and let me know. This make me secure. I like to discover answer and hate asking or being ask. Maybe i will be with her for a long long time. A lots of people say it is unfair for me. But whatever. Don't care. Next note, secretly for my girlfriend. If she saw it, then just let her read. If she don't know? Don't care~


Secretly to Hazel
Together with you, i think nearly 1 1/2 years already. What you get? What i get? Whats the feeling? Happy or wasting time? Haha.. I going to tag you if you read this. Hope you have friend will read, then they will tell you something. We know each other in sdo. Is it a fate for us to meet each other? Room title find dear. I go in. Then sampat. The time i quite chong dong de :) november 2010 this month is a month that i create the most trouble in my life. Rei Fang Zhen. Things that have past, i can't change it anymore. So accept it ba. Telling you the truth. Hurt you. Telling you the fake. You love me. I think it is the time for me to get mature :) am i blaming myself for being sleepy all the time, or i am just running away from the truth? My life is full of regret. Full of responsibility. I wonder how many million time i have to tell you. We don't look like couple at all. I wonder, your friend got tell you before? We don't look like couple? My work friend telling me this all the time. Whatever. I don't feel like saying anything about you anymore because i think of too much of regretful things about you.
1. I fall my first tear to you because you making me feel so stress and suffer on your personality and attitude. Telling you your problem but you don't understand. End.
2. Keep begging you for letting us having the best relationship, you never take our relationship seriously. Cincai.
3. You never know what i want. What i think and whats my feeling.
Dec 2011 i cry one more time. The time is because you don't care a damn about my breaking up request. Feb 2012 another tears fall for you. My last tears. You know why you so love me now? I feel disgust saying you so love me. Fuck. Dinosaur. You almost losed me, thats why you change a lot or love me more. Before, you didn't even know how you treat this relationship. ~~~ blur awhile, imagining if i can back to past. I will change a lots of thing. Actually i plan to separate post this note, but i plan to put it together. Don't feel like writing anything anymore more. Super long post. The End.

bored 

So rare to have this kind of free time. Yup, the time when i am writing this note is around 11am at working. In factory, working time. Everyone not here and busy. And i have done my work. I believe, everyone deserve to have personal and free time while working. We don't pay full time for work. Maybe i am a little bit too over for having own personal time. But i am different. I am unique. Thats why i deserve more personal time than everyone. Ok.. My excuse. Whatever. Last night i really feel so despair. Hopeless. I even off my computer. I really can't do anything. So many thing i want to do. But i can do it. Even online. I really feel like arguing again. First, you share paying online fees, second, you don't online, third is, i upgrade online package, and share paying. Line wont be interrupt and we both can online freely. Why i have to pay for gaining nothing? I don't spent all time for online. I work. Not 24hours online. Plus, i didn't buy hard disk yet. If i own it already, i don't care how is the internet speed, most important my download goes well daily. Either daylight or midnight time. Other problem now. Tonight i plan to go brem mall after work. Maybe father fetch back, maybe back alone but father fetch go. I feel like buying pillow and hard disk. If can, cut my hair too. But.. My hair so dirty.. I don't feel like giving dirty head to people cut. Ya i know they might wash for me but i still don't like like cutting my hair if it is dirty. Usually wash it first. Around my house have a lot saloon. But really don't dare to step in. Ya it is most closest one. Still same. Afraid to go cut. It is such a joke if someone really willing to accompany me. I only need people to stay by my side or don't make me feel alone. Thats so simple.. Nah.. I wont have this kind of person in my life. Last day i add a kepong sdo girl in facebook.. She just like so fucking lansi. Didn't even want to communicate or give me a chance. Whatever, i am not even a single guy, whoever want me, sure die in suffer. By the way, i feel like i having a bits of interest with Nicoles but i really lack of confidence for doing more good action on her. What i usually do is bully and talk her bad thing, but my main reason is just to see her reaction.. Either mad or angry will make me feel like i not be ignore by her. Sometime i really feel like too over. Maybe this is one of my kind of attitude. Like to say people bad thing. Really hard to control because i just want to get people respond.. Ether keep quiet or saying people. Don't know how to control.. I wonder, Nicoles ever paktor before? Maybe no. There are high possibility that she didn't paktor before, but she know how i guess. She have many friend, not same like me. I am totally myself.. I have no buddy.. Haha. I wonder, will tonight goes well? Plan for getting hard disk after work.. I really really wish to have hard disk so much.. I can do many download for video, song, or even games. I love doing collection for things i like.. I want many, i want a lots! Hehe. Is there any reader? No it wont have :( i believe, if there are a person that really love me, she will read all my post here. Plus! It is not a lot! Only few post, but i think i will merge my old blog post to here. Then delete my old blog, in case something unwilling happen. I post thing about samyi before. I think yi zhen not see it yet. Hope i can remove it before she see. Reduce problem. So now, i think i will be very boring after lunch time. Might have many boring or busy work. Even dirty work. What i hope the most is, i hope i can just sit there and write my SOP. Nice.. But it wont take a long time i guess. Unless i write it slowly. Two mould SOP need to be write. Boring.. So what should i plan tonight. Back at 5.30. Go brem mall. Buy hard disk. Back. Open pc. No! Bath first! Everyday back home must bath first! So i can relax and enjoy my hard disk work. Fun. I wonder will i ever get bored doing all this downloading? I plan, if i really start my downloading smoothly, i feel like touching back my dvd. I stop touching my animation since i stop talking with my brother. House problem. My mother is a noob. I wont let my children to my mother in future. I rather pay for baby sitter. My mother is child educator failure. I didn't say i am good in educating but at least i know i am kid before. Better not to have children. Future things, future only say ba. Should i go back office? I feel like i don't have anything to do if i go back. Maybe SOP. Time now is a bit too early for me to go back. I wonder what time alex will be back. Scare scare. Cincai la.. One more thing. Quit game doesn't mean stop all game. For my meaning is, those online game, leveling those. Stop. Pokemon or offline game. Still fine. I hope i can do uploading or have time to create website thingy too. Hopefully ba.. Stop writing now. Continue at other time or just post my blog this way. La la thanks for reading o.

i went to see hard disk le.. RM250 for 500GB and RM380 for 1TB 

Don't know why i feel so despair now. There really nothing i can do. Mentally suffer and depress. My hard disk. I really want to get it so much. But i don't dare to went out and buy myself. I don't have friend. There are no people that can go out with me. I wish to cut my hair. Change my hair style. But i don't dare to go saloon cut hair. I feel like lack of confidence and scare of going to a place that full with handsome and pretty. Dressing is more way better that me too. I don't care how people look at me. I care how i look at myself. I am totally such like a jerk. Weak guy. Yup, human can't compare but i can't forever be this useless and noob right? Whatever. Tomorrow work still fine. If not necessary, i wont do OT for tomorrow. I really don't understand why they keep asking me for OT. I hate working extra time. Back on time that is fixed is the best. I wonder if i can meet someone near me. That can always accompany me? Surely it is a dream. If i really found someone like this, i will loyal like dog to her. I wonder, is one of my reader going to be the one? Lol no reader. Actually i am expecting someone to read this but i can confirm. No one really willing to read. Love will keep change. Follow by human mind thinking and next generation. My life have been corrupted by love. Main problem i guess. I really hope that i can back on time. Change everything. Or tell my pass, don't do this or that. Maybe now i don't need to be so despair. But i always believe in one thing. You can only hope for changing the pass but now is always the most perfect. Don't know why i have to pay internet to my house to play. But i don't play the most. I play ALL. This is unfair. I really hope i can just cut it off and pay broadband myself. I don't care it is expensive. Worth if i play and pay myself. Sharing don't earn. I pay for my family to online, in return, i end up having connection problem. And they just enjoy lagging with me. Fuck up. Useless family. Whatever fucking shit. I hate i can't do thing i want or planned. Everything just never went right. Why? You know? I really want to suicide so much.

am i useless? or i am myself?

before this, i am so qi dai for having hard disk.. i even plan to go out and buy it myself.. all is before i have money.. i feel like doom after i get my salary.. oh gosh.. same like coward.. before having money, talk big, after get money i will go out alone to buy, after getting money, the real me is out.. i am scare of going out alone buying thing alone too.. this will be a short post i guess..

today, no reason for me to leave early at work.. in first two day, i went home without OT because i am so sleepy and tired.. but today, yes i am still sleepy and tired but i still can stay.. feel so useless for afraid to buy hard disk.. feel so jealous for other people, why people can go out alone.. but me cant? why i so scare of going out alone? i dont dare to buy.. i even feel like cutting my hair short this time.. but i dont dare to go out.. dont dare to go saloon or hardware shop.. whatever.. i am useless

Alex just went out. He is my working senior. He usually let me do some work and go to office. But today we are doing different thing. He might be back soon after this. Time now is 2pm. Just now.. sad.. when lunch time. Don't know why i can't make myself stay on table right after i done my lunch.. I want to talk with my collegue.. Working de people. I have many thing to share and talk. But i can't get myself doing it. One more thing is.. I feel shy while facing Nicoles. Whats wrong! LoL funny. Maybe she is girl and i am boy. But i feel better with sister Liew. Our conversation goes well. Maybe she is elder. Actually i feel like working half day but i can't get through my work. I like to finish off everything before i leave. Don't like leaving it halfway. Feel not responding. Working half day is, i not enough sleep and i feel like going to see doctor. Taking MC. But never mind. Just continue work. Today back on usual time, 5.30pm. Really need more rest and today must bath early. Sleep early. My pillow.. need to change.. I still didn't get. What is my main causing for waking up middle of the night.. Forget to check health board. Whatever, next thing. Can anyone teach me how to get rid of my girlfriend? She start getting so annoying. Nicoles is right, i shouldn't just play disappear. It is not right. Bored. Advice to myself, i should, i will let her understand someday. I will leave her. I don't wish myself to scare of dating or having relationship with people. In love, for me, it is the most happiest thing ever. But not with my girlfriend. I really don't wish to be with her. But never mind. I have my life to go. I have my thing to busy and do. Maybe tonight i will start playing maplestory again. Reason i am playing? Sixth sense tell me i wont be able to own hard disk. Auto respond asked me to play game. But, i wont give up, i will get hard disk! I really love life that is watching animation. After having hard disk, maybe i will be house worm. Most important is happy, right? Just pray for it. Not much thing i can download with Qvod. Maybe hong kong drama, or animation that have cantonese or any chinese language. I can't read the chinese subtitle. And most important. Don't forget pokemon! I must download it completely. I fail to download previously because i don't have enough space. After owning hard disk, i must, i will, download pokemon completely! I night upgrade my online package thing so that i can improve my speed for streaming or downloading. Most important thing i can't let go.. It is my boomz. I feel like want to build it.. Make it strong. Or be the strongest. Very hard. But, just say it only.
Back home. Maybe boomz or maple. For maple, i need to farm massive lots of maple leaf. Huhu. Any reader? Lol sad

I feel like i get enough sleep. I didn't sleep late last night. Right? Okay maybe around 11pm time. For me, it is a bit earlier than 12am or after twelve. Yup, i am still getting up middle of the night, what to do? If my sleeping problem really get worse, i really need a medical check up. And for now, i am working. Time is 4pm. Around that time. Just down the front piece of 3 way housing mould. Product stuck. I suspect it as the injecting temperature too high. Maybe. Whatever. This problem really so boring and wasting time. I not gonna work for OT today if don't have anything running. Just have some extra time to write this, hope enough for my blog posting. And i will be continue my writing on car after working time if i stop. I really will die of sleepy. Trimming the filter housing. A lots of work but really sleepy.. Holding a knife and cut of the flashing part. Feel a bit free now because Alex go back to office. I think he is bored and tired about the product stucking at the injecting sprue. Really difficult to take off. Product is hard and stuck. By the way. I really feel so awkward each the my girlfriend say i miss you. I really feel like deleting her sms. I mind about her so much. Mind about her weight, look and whatever fucking shit. She don't look pretty or cute but she act that she IS. Problem is she is gigantic. If she is short and small size, i wont mind if she is overweight. At least she have her cute. Fuck if, she disgust me a lot when i think of many thing. Whatever. Compulsory things to tell myself so that i wont stress about her. I will try my best to let her understand about love can't be force. She is still young. Although i don't love her but she still can have a lots of choice. To be honest, how cruel of rude thing, i also can do. I can just cut of my number. Deactivate my all net account. Disappear from her forever, i guess. Then, of course my look need to have big change too so that in future when we meet, she wont recognise me. Good idea? I think too much now. Start making my imagination. What i am afraid is, she come to find me. My mind pop up a plan. Before i disappear, i will use her facebook account or try whatever way to write a note for her. Telling her about my disappearance or leaving. Count as inform. So that nothing back will happen. Eliminate my number or just make my number less active for sometime if i really can't let go my number. Fuck man. I am too much. Feel like start to make all plan for leaving her already. Bored. This really rude and cruel. Sorry so much yi zhen. I really can't be with you, i really dislike your almost everything. Your hair, your face, your lips, your nose, your neck, your shoulder, your chest, your stomach, your buttock, your leg and all. Personality, attitude, and habit. I dislike your everything. My animation is with her, i don't mind. As long as i can leave her, i can sacrifice everything. Sad case if she see this. Maybe someday yi zhen will see this. Maybe it will be long time le. Sorry for being together with her. Sorry for choosing her to be my girlfriend. Sorry for what have i done to you. Sorry about phone sex, for beginning, i am sorry, in the end, i lost interest with you. About MMS, sorry too. And hotel, i wont make it the fifth time. Please. No more. I don't know what to do with extra condom in house. Lol. Feel like throwing it. Keep for nothing, don't even have the use. Whatever. Keep wont waste. Maybe i got friend or people that need, i can give? 3piece only. Lol.. Whatever. I feel like playing back maple. And i feel wanted to get hard disk so much by this week. Quit all fucking game that spoil my brain, focus downloading. Yeah! I hope can ask for someone to accompany me go. Hope Nicoles willing to go with me. But asking ah wei go with me will be the best i guess. Miss Liew also can? Lol. Go alone ba xD noob. One more thing. Samyi confirm having cancer.. Really hope that she is fine and don't get worse. If everything go smooth, i think i will fly to sabah and visit her. I don't wish for her leaving. Every living things have its own right to survive till the end, no one can just end the life without reason. Lack of patient. Can't wait for my hard disk. I want to fill it with massive of animation song, or i mean japanese song. And a lots of movie and cartoon. Of course some game if can xD maximize my download time for computer in midnight time or daylight time. One day around 8hours or 10hours? Hm? This is all my writing when i am working. No going to continue after work. Any reader? Nope. Don't have. Sad. Haha.

The time when i am writing this, it is on first of april. The day when i go out with my girlfriend, and the time i am in bus, on my way back midvalley, then from there i will take taxi straight back. It is hard to meet up good taxi driver from midvalley to my house. I don't have confidences about going back by taxi in kota raya. Maybe it is better and cheaper? Hope i don't get dizzy till nearly vomit because i am writing on bus. Quite shaky but i am fine i guess. Today actually should be the day i went out to kl with girlfriend. Buying her stuff. Belated birthday present. Feeling quite depressing now because everything end up in hotel. I know i am horny or whatever fucking thing. I know i really pervert. Not really pervert but sex desire is a bit high. I manage to relief three time for around 3hours time. I should not have sex with her anymore in case accident do really happen. I don't want to be father this early and i don't want her to be pregnant in this young age. My energy, or what do i call. Erm, life power? Energytic? I am getting sleepy each day. Feel like getting it worse. My emotional control or what shit thing slowly get weak. Mind and thinking getting slow. Balances too. Just getting weaken by waking up middle of the night all time, it is everyday. I wont depress if i think of other thing. Having this girlfriend, she is really depressing me. Ya she really change a lot. I admit it. Finally i understand, love can't force. If you don't like, mean don't like. I will slowly solve my problem. I need more clear mind thinking. I need to have more enough sleep. I want to start doing my own business, earn my first bucket of money. I don't compare myself for other. I want to let all people know i am not a noob guy. I am the best. You might look down at me, but i want everyone proud of me. I still remember my dream. I wish to raise japanese animation popularity in malaysia with my hand. I mean heart. Someday, i will do it. I guess, i really stop being lazy now. Really regret why i am lazy when i got the energy to think and do. Now? Day by day, i am getting weak now. I really need medical check up. Need some expert and not those cincai. Yi zhen, after writing all this, my heart and mood feel better. I don't love you. I don't like you. But i will make you understand. Hope we can end in peace. Wait i regain back my energy. And hope i don't go early. Will be posting this in new blog. If there are reader. Thanks a lot. Sms me or call me. I will be free at 8pm daily. Need counselor or people to talk. Thanks again.