New life as mirror of Christ

many thing happen, many thing change.. a lots of thing change.. not like before..
life feel like totally 360' change..
it is change.. but..

my sleeping problem not cure yet..
yesterday i really make myself sleep living room.. feel so uncomfortable..
but the feeling is not bad..

"current situation and environment in house"
my father talking gamble stuff with his taxi driver friend
whole topic about number number number and gambling..

----------------------------

return back to peace now.. but.. another case that interrupt me now
"current situation and environment in house"
my "few percentage" down syndrome brother, age 1993
is "torturing" or playing with my sister, age, standard 5
so noisy..

hallelujah~
God with me always..
he never bring unhappy thing..
he only bring joy and happiness
amen?

my mother addicted to online, no more teaching HER children or look at them "my brother and sister"
what to do?
my father feel his self dont need the responsibility to teach too
so no one teaching children
my brother just play with my sister..
my sister is normal, but my brother is same like 100% down syndrome
have cure, i guess

so noisy, cant think of anything to write, close~

It is another day.. again.. =)

everyday i see you, i see you always, and i am so happy because i always see your smile.. i love your laughing and i love you =) i wont force my feel to die, or struggle to own you. i will let everything goes normal, hope nothing bad will happen.. i just wanted to be with you, be beside you.. or somewhere near you.. dont make me worry, let me know you are always okay.. i dont like to see you sick or feeling uncomfortable.. i will always pray for you.. be fine and happy ya?

i really dont know what to do le..
i am your friend.. we always meet.. we talk everyday.. smile and laugh together.. but.. sometime i still feel that you dont really care me at all.. although we meet everyday but i always miss you and think of you.. i really cant stop my love for you.. it get deeper each day too.. be happy, cheer always.. if you are happy.. i am happy.. maybe.. but i really dislike seeing you talking or having fun with other guy.. it make me worry and feel jealous.. most reason is i know you dont have feel to me.. and i cant do anything to make you got feel to me.. this really so depressing.. i always have something to talk with you.. i always think of something to do on you, or talk on you.. but it just cant get reality.. imagination always not real xP i should get reality more.. right?

if i have chance to talk with you right now, and it is a chance that i can talk everything.. i hope i can tell you or talk to you this.. : -

Nicoles.. do you know that i love you so much? i feel sad daily, but i never get depress.. i am sad, because i feel like you dont really care about me lots.. you just treat me like so normal.. but i am the only one that treat you with heart.. i just want you to treat me more better than normal.. i hope you can smile always too when we together.. i really wish to care you de.. but i am so afraid that you reject.. whatever..

suddenly dont feel like writing that anymore..

Some miracle.. just happen

Miracle things that happen..

• injection machine, pvc material

today, i leave the machine run without people taking care of it, i notice that i have been away for more than 1 hours.. and the machine alarm have been rang for around 1 hours too.. pvc material should be burn already when i am away.. but it didnt.. no different and it is so fine like normal.. this is miracle xP

• my lonely sad lunch day

actually, i planned to eat myself today.. i asked someone to buy me two piece of chocolate waffle and bring it to me on lunch.. i will have it myself in factory.. but.. when i am going to be lonely.. something miracle have happen.. my lunch time for today changed!! i went out with my lovely Nicoles >3< we go out together.. just normal outing but i like the feeling so much.. and back time.. she asked me to fetch her back, and before that.. go bank first >< okay she is not my girlfriend.

for me, this is really a miracle thing.. maybe only myself can feel that.. and i know this is god give me de.. maybe god want me to stay strong, dont give up because it is not the time yet.. sometime.. i just dont feel like want it anymore.. it is enough.. i i.. T.T

Just lyric

 

 

Lyric, white messenger

dao zui hou wo shen me dou ming bai, shen me shi ai

shi qu le, guo qu he cuo guo, quan bu dou bu neng li bu

zi dao you yi tian wo hou hui, yi qie bian de hei an

mei guan xi wo bu hui zai cuo guo

so looking forward through

my life always in sorrow, never feel to give up

keep on running keep running jiu shi bu dao zhong dian

wo bu rong yi fang qi ni, wo bu xiang xin ming yun

wei le ni wo hui zai ji xu nu li zui qiu ni..

If i can return to my pass, i wish to go

losing it, left it and miss it, memory never exist

scar and wound that leave in my heart, wont be cure in life time

just for you, i repeat just for you, hen xiang yao ai ni

always live in sorrow life, never feeling happy

keep on chasing, keep chasing for you, you getting far

please don't tell me to give up, i know what i want to..

Wo zi xiang yao ni zhi dao the truth, i love you..

Please don't tell me to give up.. I will prove it with heart.. From this time start, i will make some change for you and me

time will make our heart freeze, lets us just be normal friend, i believe future someday, you will touch by me

time will make our heart change, lets us just be friend first..

I believe future someday, you will be love me

new season..

joking.. nothing goes well so far.. and i am getting more chicken.. come.. scold me useless or whatever because i admit everything.. but it doesnt mean i want to be like this.. i really hate myself so much.. why i am so noob..?

today.. actually i have all my planning already.. i plan to ask you.. "are you tired today?" then.. "today we dont ma huan miss liew" then.. "why dont we walk home together" omg.. why cant i just say it?

this is what failure always do.. noob chicken guy me..
nicoles "i love you" so hard to tell?

i sms u le.. dont know got what respond ne..

The End

lets make a full stop and let it end, you request to be friend.. blog dead from now

you know? i am sorry

this is a photo that i take yesterday xP i feel quite sweet and happy at the moment, my first thought is take photo as memory.. i try not to forget you hide it behind, then "yang, catch this" xD and i successfully catch your heart.. woots..

today.. i feel like a very ~.~ day..
lunch time you make me feel that you are so fed up with me
i admit, i am such a failure, i wont fail more my next and other time, you might be a good experience for me. first time so close with the one i love, all time or day.. maybe..

excuse - reason
aw.. i am talking suu much.. i shut up now, ok?

miracle crest from digimon adventure 02

nice lieh~ i like to draw thing at my hand.. no one ask about this at lunch or i will say many thing about it.. ha..

bored.. post done.. currently getting your sms, or sms-ing with you

i have chance?

busy with game and relaxing after work.. finally.. i am writing here..
am i running away from truth? the truth of loving you?
or i am just afraid of losing you? ee.. >.<

yesterday, you suppose to be replying me. i mean, responding me.. haha.. i want to see whether.. you caring me or just treating me like colleague.. this morning you make me feel like you so interest in my leaving.. then.. whatever.. i dont feel like leaving anymore.. reason not because of you.. it is because of my family thinggy.. but for you, i can stay too..

nicoles.. i dont want our relationship go so far, then.. i feel like chasing you already.. is there any chance or slot for me? please give me a chance and dont let me bang your door of heart =( it is suffering.. if you give me a chance.. i will one step into you, slowly.. >.< oh..

today.. i feel so tension and blur + shy and tired.. not really in status.. i will TRY my best and make you dong xin, give me a chance.. k? omg.. i am insane..

Our last or my last..

yesterday didnt make any post, reason lazy? or didnt see you? or dont have anything to write about you? dont give myself so much reason.. "esc"

actually i so wanted to ask you out yesterday, even if you say you are busy, but i still want to know, if you are not busy, will you go out with me?

you know? i really feel like giving up on you already because you really dont give me any respond.. another thing is.. keep treating me so bad.. you didnt know i like you so much? i still believe there are fate, even if i am not with you anymore, i can still be with you if we have <3 joke.. i just like you.. i..

i plan to quit the job already.. after quiting.. we officially no more relationship.. maybe ex colleague.. ^^ feeling quite sad about this.. maybe you never care about it too.. our memory not much but i really like you so much.. you are my decision to stay or leave. i told you with sms already.. currently waiting for your sms reply.. will update another post if you reply..

i want to give up all

yesterday not posting because i go to work
actually i dont plan to make post for today too but fine.. i make it as my daily now, ok? er.. from my beginning, i say that i will update but not daily.. so now daily lo..

nicoles.. you know you give me such pain?
i dont know whats wrong with you, and we dont even same like friend
what wrong did i do? i really going to fed up soon..
yes, i like you. i dont wish to have any bad thing with you, i just want to make friend
making friend with you is hard?

this morning.. i am seriously happy.. you sms me..
whatever.. keep being like what you be, keep treating me like how you do, give my heart to you die.. after die, i stop my blog post, then everything end, thanks..

today, when in car.. the time you fetch me.. ok i am sorry.. i shouldnt ask you thing, and i shouldnt tell you anything, sorry ok? i just want to ask you, hate me? dislike me? and.. i want to ask for your tomorrow, thats all, habis cerita.

i want to tell you.. wo xi huan ni

feeling sad today.. sorry nicole..

Realized I lost my heart to you that doesn't care.. and found it crying in the corner

this morning, when i was walking to work.. you suddenly call me.. then.. haha.. i told you i was walking and you requesting to fetch me. you know, i feel so happy.. but lack of thing to talk with you..

you know actually you treat me very bad or different.. i feel like you hate me or dislike me.. i am so sorry.. just tell me what to do to make you feel better.. you know today you yell at me and ask me go away.. i so guai go away.. but i feel so bad.. ha..

today whole day you go in production o.. but i keep find a chance to go back office do work.. haha.. but you not around outside >< never mind la..

then fang gong de time.. wo deng ni fang gong.. i so scare you wont fetch me or ma huan dao liew liew.. am i acting very obvious? i will feel so sorry if i really annoy you for letting you ask me for fetching.. [just send a sms give you for telling you that i will tell you if i walk to work, so you dont need to call me and ask me xP haha] stupid me zz

you know.. i feel so suffering.. i feel like smoking because i am so stress.. i dont want to stuck everything in heart.. i want to blow it

tao yan ni!! sorry i am so wu liao..

just about to write this post.. but you replied my sms >< i will be very sad if you dont because.. haha.. i just want your sms respond.. show me that you care about it.. maybe i zi yi wei shi..

you know, today i feel so damn happy because razi say this "saya rasa nicol pun suka awak jugak" my heart feel like <3 zi ji shuang ba.. after all of your sms.. i feel like.. i just.. zi ji yi wei shi ba.. i dont know.. feeling 75% down.. 10% fine because i still having fake hope.. 15% disaster..

Nicoles, i dont know what will our feature be.. i really wont expect anything from now on, but i still not giving up until i really make my last try, i will try not to be shy anymore. overcome it and i will make you shy! give me time.. i am just a bit nervous..

sad.. nicoles good night

qi guai de yi tian..

today, is a bit weird day.. and one whole day.. i am thinking of calling your name. i want to call you Nicoles!! thats all.. i feel like myself dont really call you before. i hope i can call you, at least you can feel that i will find you. let you have secure feeling? haha.. i am stupid..

sorry that i am a bit forgetful.. i will say what i remember.. >.< do you notice that i always find you.. i mean always get a chance to go back from factory to office?

Nicole's SORRY i curi ambik

i love this photo so much.. the most close photo of you =( how i wish i can take your photo directly.. maybe in someday ba.. got chance de.. see the two chair that i put for the container? xP i purposely do that. i even adjust the fan for you too, hope you get enough fan wind.. one more thing.. do you remember what i ask and say when you are there?

• i ask, today cleaner got go back early?
• then you keep wondering about my question
• actually the main question is i want to ask.. you what time back?
• after asking cleaner, i so shy and ask.. you leh? what time back..

LOL.. my face turn red >.< NICOLES..!! believe me.. before i give up.. i will try to own you.. but most important is.. relationship for me is not a testing or gaining experience.. i wish for permanent and of course not mian qiang if not good.. nicoles.. =( i feel like sms you tonight.. your few reply will be nice

second time dream of you

darn.. i dont remember completely already..
what i still remember is..
i dream that, everyone is still working in old factory, then, not yet shift to new factory de.. then got few time.. lunch break, you leave quick and early without waiting me.. you just leave without caring me.. i feel like.. where are you.. i want to go.. please allowed me to follow.. the first time you went out, i ask and find you after you leave, but the second time.. i being interrupt by albert..

i think i do really miss you but.. "i can see you everyday, telling that i miss you, this is fucking stupid and idiot right?" maybe you feel annoy and i am so sorry.. this blog i believe i will show you one day in right time.. or maybe not.. or i just keep it forever as a memory of my heart to you.. hm..?

ya, another thing is.. you know why i keep evade or feel shy to you? do you know that i have a very complicated stuff in my life? i dont want to cause any trouble before solving a trouble.. this make me feel stuck.. plus.. i am so so afraid of you.. i scare that you will treat relationship same as liew do.. then i will be like oh shit.. prank me?

i wonder.. am i really love you or what? i really scare to admit this but i dare to say i like you, thats all.. i dont want to make you feel uneasy or same like evade me in work.. feel so sorry because of my shyness and more.. i really nervous while i see you.. i will be brave, i cant be the one that shy.. YOU should shy in front of me, and not me

drepression about you.. am i too mian qiang?

keep viewing your facebook profile.. viewing all your post and thing.. i really wish to know much and more about you.. i feel like your life is really good now.. dont have the need for boyfriend.. i dont mean me as boyfriend..

you know.. i see jealous and some hatred from you.. about your friend and more.. where is mine.. by the way.. i really feel so lucky and happy last time.. while with my ex. although me and my ex never go out 2 person, mean she always bring her friend.. her friend is my friend.. i have friend.. all her friend is my friend.. haha.. i am sohai.. whatever.. just some depression.. sorry..

i dont mind if no one understand me.. but please dont ren ding and say about me.. all of you is wrong and not right.. but never mind..

are you waiting my sms.. i wish you sms me, and i hope to sms you too.. bla.. i know i miss you..

day by day..
maybe one day.. my feeling will dead and my mind will stop think of you..

good night =')

feeling so emotional today..

seriously i know this is disgusting and i am so sorry for this because in this kind of disgusting picture got your name in it.. maybe the time you see it wont got feel anymore? lol.. whatever.. i plan to create this, first.. is to test my patient and to test my heart and whatever thing. just like what i usually say.. i dont expect anything because i am afraid of disappointment.. or maybe i do really expect.. but.. fine..

i feel so weird toward you.. i really dont know whats wrong with me.. i starting to lose control.. i wish to see your laugh and smile.. dont like to see you angry and mad anymore.. i try not to disturb you already.. but sometime.. i am so wu liao.. apologize accepted ma?

one time, and one time.. i tell myself to give up my heart to you.. but.. i feel hard.. feel so difficult to let you go.. i wanted to see you all time.. day or night.. dont really wanted so much.. just want to know either you fine or what.. i wish to make call on you at night but.. who am i? why do i do that?

today my mind pop up something that i feel very upset until i feel like crying.. er.. i dont cry.. i feel like i being forgotten by you.. or feel like you dont care me a damn.. just like.. i dont know how to describe.. in my mind keep saying this "you will be more happy than having me in your life" your life dont suit me too.. you life is more on group.. and me.. =( haha.. you will let me join? sorry i no confidence..

one more thing is.. i like you.. and maybe it is very much.. but.. i dont feel safe with you.. it mean.. i feel like you dont take relationship seriously.. it is just like.. have it, then ok, dont have it.. then never mind.. no "an quan gan" be with you.. i will feel like hell everyday.. i am so afraid if you feel bored and leave me.. better dont be like miss liew lee yien.. LOL her full name xD she is a very unstable girl in relationship.. maybe..

today.. i pass my phone to you.. i feel like >< sweet because you use my phone!! >< i really love the feeling and you smile while passing back the phone to me.. i really like you >< plus you really so cute to me.. by the way.. always wish to tell you that i dream about you.. i dream that you tell we all.. you have been invited for an outing by a guy and the guy hold you hand.. then you got boyfriend.. it is just a dream.. but i still dont feel good.. i feel better after see you back in work but i am still worry..

i think this is all for today post..? hehe!! sorry for this rubbish post

edit : almost forget.. about the title.. yup today i feel sad and so emotional.. today you ignore me a lot.. another thing is.. miss liew scold me and you keep quiet.. i feel like so useless.. and i feel so shame.. liew telling all my bad thing in front of you.. image spoil.. you dont like  me le.. one thing is.. you.. i dont want say le.. ='(

everything end up posting here

Privately to my EX jia wen
Suddenly think of something to write, about my ex. This note is not directly write for her. Just the voice of my heart :) She can count as my first girlfriend because i never really be with any girl before her. In beginning, i don't really expect of having any girlfriend because i don't look good, and i am poor. In such a coincidentally, we know each other in facebook. We are not having any special relationship at all. We start with friend. Start in phone. Contacting each other daily. Think back of the past, actually it just happen two year ago. She is a very childish and immature girl. Things attract me the most, is her voice and look. She sound cute and look cute. I like taking care of her. But i fail to own her heart. Me and her is having a very naive relationship for that time. Not feeling regretting but everything comes too early. I shouldn't meet her or know her this early time :) or maybe she can be my forever. The only girl i fall so deep. Suddenly feel speechless saying about her things. Not feeling like sharing too. No use talking back things that have pass. Just make it as the memory that me and her only know. Main thing i writing this is, i wanted to write something to her, but i don't want her to see :) Its been a long time since the day we breakup. I never worry that you will dump me someday. I didn't even think of it. But you really done it. I really feel regret of why. Why i can so such a hurtful things to you? I request for breaking up, countlessly. Finally, i understand your feeling. I am so proud of you, you hurt me so deep. It is fine if you dislike me, but you choose another guy? The only things pop up in my mind is just worry. I worry about you, together with a guy that i never know. For me, you are so naive and you are still a kid. You don't know what is good or bad. You don't even know what a human really thinks. Yes, i admit, i hate you before after breakup. You ruin my life. You make me become a guy that always jealous of people. Maybe. I hate seeing your new life. Why your life can have so many people around you. Why i must life alone everyday with computer? I even play game alone. The deepest you love someone, the deepest you hate the one you love before. I think, you hate me so damn much. And try think back, how you tell me you love me. I really put your word in my mind. This is one of the reason i feel so secure being with you. I wont forget you tell me that you wont choose other boy anymore. You only want me. If you love other boy, you still will be with me. Don't want to leave me. I really listen it quietly each time you tell me. But all is fake :) i never do what i say, same to you. I never think that you will do such a bullshit thing. Telling everyone how bad am i? Things already become past. I wont mind it anymore. As long as your mouth is shut and don't effect my life. I never think for wanting you back, i never plan to own you one more time. I wonder how much have you change? Same? For me, i change a lot since the day you leave me. But, my heart is still lonely. You know? I found another girlfriend after breaking up with you 4month. Believe it? Sure no. But this is true. To be honest, my wound is not cure at that time. But now, everything dry up. Although 2years have pass, but i still think of you sometime. My facebook profile still have some tag and picture with you. Remove some. But still there. I don't wish to be with you back. Only hope our happy moment can be permanent. Genting :) watches :) bus stop :) escaletor :) much much more. All the feel is still strong last time. But now, i really no feeling anymore. My current girlfriend now, hm. She never get my feeling. The feeling inside me, she never know. She only think i have the same feeling with her. I don't need people to care me, or know about me. I only want people to tell me and let me know. This make me secure. I like to discover answer and hate asking or being ask. Maybe i will be with her for a long long time. A lots of people say it is unfair for me. But whatever. Don't care. Next note, secretly for my girlfriend. If she saw it, then just let her read. If she don't know? Don't care~


Secretly to Hazel
Together with you, i think nearly 1 1/2 years already. What you get? What i get? Whats the feeling? Happy or wasting time? Haha.. I going to tag you if you read this. Hope you have friend will read, then they will tell you something. We know each other in sdo. Is it a fate for us to meet each other? Room title find dear. I go in. Then sampat. The time i quite chong dong de :) november 2010 this month is a month that i create the most trouble in my life. Rei Fang Zhen. Things that have past, i can't change it anymore. So accept it ba. Telling you the truth. Hurt you. Telling you the fake. You love me. I think it is the time for me to get mature :) am i blaming myself for being sleepy all the time, or i am just running away from the truth? My life is full of regret. Full of responsibility. I wonder how many million time i have to tell you. We don't look like couple at all. I wonder, your friend got tell you before? We don't look like couple? My work friend telling me this all the time. Whatever. I don't feel like saying anything about you anymore because i think of too much of regretful things about you.
1. I fall my first tear to you because you making me feel so stress and suffer on your personality and attitude. Telling you your problem but you don't understand. End.
2. Keep begging you for letting us having the best relationship, you never take our relationship seriously. Cincai.
3. You never know what i want. What i think and whats my feeling.
Dec 2011 i cry one more time. The time is because you don't care a damn about my breaking up request. Feb 2012 another tears fall for you. My last tears. You know why you so love me now? I feel disgust saying you so love me. Fuck. Dinosaur. You almost losed me, thats why you change a lot or love me more. Before, you didn't even know how you treat this relationship. ~~~ blur awhile, imagining if i can back to past. I will change a lots of thing. Actually i plan to separate post this note, but i plan to put it together. Don't feel like writing anything anymore more. Super long post. The End.

bored 

So rare to have this kind of free time. Yup, the time when i am writing this note is around 11am at working. In factory, working time. Everyone not here and busy. And i have done my work. I believe, everyone deserve to have personal and free time while working. We don't pay full time for work. Maybe i am a little bit too over for having own personal time. But i am different. I am unique. Thats why i deserve more personal time than everyone. Ok.. My excuse. Whatever. Last night i really feel so despair. Hopeless. I even off my computer. I really can't do anything. So many thing i want to do. But i can do it. Even online. I really feel like arguing again. First, you share paying online fees, second, you don't online, third is, i upgrade online package, and share paying. Line wont be interrupt and we both can online freely. Why i have to pay for gaining nothing? I don't spent all time for online. I work. Not 24hours online. Plus, i didn't buy hard disk yet. If i own it already, i don't care how is the internet speed, most important my download goes well daily. Either daylight or midnight time. Other problem now. Tonight i plan to go brem mall after work. Maybe father fetch back, maybe back alone but father fetch go. I feel like buying pillow and hard disk. If can, cut my hair too. But.. My hair so dirty.. I don't feel like giving dirty head to people cut. Ya i know they might wash for me but i still don't like like cutting my hair if it is dirty. Usually wash it first. Around my house have a lot saloon. But really don't dare to step in. Ya it is most closest one. Still same. Afraid to go cut. It is such a joke if someone really willing to accompany me. I only need people to stay by my side or don't make me feel alone. Thats so simple.. Nah.. I wont have this kind of person in my life. Last day i add a kepong sdo girl in facebook.. She just like so fucking lansi. Didn't even want to communicate or give me a chance. Whatever, i am not even a single guy, whoever want me, sure die in suffer. By the way, i feel like i having a bits of interest with Nicoles but i really lack of confidence for doing more good action on her. What i usually do is bully and talk her bad thing, but my main reason is just to see her reaction.. Either mad or angry will make me feel like i not be ignore by her. Sometime i really feel like too over. Maybe this is one of my kind of attitude. Like to say people bad thing. Really hard to control because i just want to get people respond.. Ether keep quiet or saying people. Don't know how to control.. I wonder, Nicoles ever paktor before? Maybe no. There are high possibility that she didn't paktor before, but she know how i guess. She have many friend, not same like me. I am totally myself.. I have no buddy.. Haha. I wonder, will tonight goes well? Plan for getting hard disk after work.. I really really wish to have hard disk so much.. I can do many download for video, song, or even games. I love doing collection for things i like.. I want many, i want a lots! Hehe. Is there any reader? No it wont have :( i believe, if there are a person that really love me, she will read all my post here. Plus! It is not a lot! Only few post, but i think i will merge my old blog post to here. Then delete my old blog, in case something unwilling happen. I post thing about samyi before. I think yi zhen not see it yet. Hope i can remove it before she see. Reduce problem. So now, i think i will be very boring after lunch time. Might have many boring or busy work. Even dirty work. What i hope the most is, i hope i can just sit there and write my SOP. Nice.. But it wont take a long time i guess. Unless i write it slowly. Two mould SOP need to be write. Boring.. So what should i plan tonight. Back at 5.30. Go brem mall. Buy hard disk. Back. Open pc. No! Bath first! Everyday back home must bath first! So i can relax and enjoy my hard disk work. Fun. I wonder will i ever get bored doing all this downloading? I plan, if i really start my downloading smoothly, i feel like touching back my dvd. I stop touching my animation since i stop talking with my brother. House problem. My mother is a noob. I wont let my children to my mother in future. I rather pay for baby sitter. My mother is child educator failure. I didn't say i am good in educating but at least i know i am kid before. Better not to have children. Future things, future only say ba. Should i go back office? I feel like i don't have anything to do if i go back. Maybe SOP. Time now is a bit too early for me to go back. I wonder what time alex will be back. Scare scare. Cincai la.. One more thing. Quit game doesn't mean stop all game. For my meaning is, those online game, leveling those. Stop. Pokemon or offline game. Still fine. I hope i can do uploading or have time to create website thingy too. Hopefully ba.. Stop writing now. Continue at other time or just post my blog this way. La la thanks for reading o.

i went to see hard disk le.. RM250 for 500GB and RM380 for 1TB 

Don't know why i feel so despair now. There really nothing i can do. Mentally suffer and depress. My hard disk. I really want to get it so much. But i don't dare to went out and buy myself. I don't have friend. There are no people that can go out with me. I wish to cut my hair. Change my hair style. But i don't dare to go saloon cut hair. I feel like lack of confidence and scare of going to a place that full with handsome and pretty. Dressing is more way better that me too. I don't care how people look at me. I care how i look at myself. I am totally such like a jerk. Weak guy. Yup, human can't compare but i can't forever be this useless and noob right? Whatever. Tomorrow work still fine. If not necessary, i wont do OT for tomorrow. I really don't understand why they keep asking me for OT. I hate working extra time. Back on time that is fixed is the best. I wonder if i can meet someone near me. That can always accompany me? Surely it is a dream. If i really found someone like this, i will loyal like dog to her. I wonder, is one of my reader going to be the one? Lol no reader. Actually i am expecting someone to read this but i can confirm. No one really willing to read. Love will keep change. Follow by human mind thinking and next generation. My life have been corrupted by love. Main problem i guess. I really hope that i can back on time. Change everything. Or tell my pass, don't do this or that. Maybe now i don't need to be so despair. But i always believe in one thing. You can only hope for changing the pass but now is always the most perfect. Don't know why i have to pay internet to my house to play. But i don't play the most. I play ALL. This is unfair. I really hope i can just cut it off and pay broadband myself. I don't care it is expensive. Worth if i play and pay myself. Sharing don't earn. I pay for my family to online, in return, i end up having connection problem. And they just enjoy lagging with me. Fuck up. Useless family. Whatever fucking shit. I hate i can't do thing i want or planned. Everything just never went right. Why? You know? I really want to suicide so much.

am i useless? or i am myself?

before this, i am so qi dai for having hard disk.. i even plan to go out and buy it myself.. all is before i have money.. i feel like doom after i get my salary.. oh gosh.. same like coward.. before having money, talk big, after get money i will go out alone to buy, after getting money, the real me is out.. i am scare of going out alone buying thing alone too.. this will be a short post i guess..

today, no reason for me to leave early at work.. in first two day, i went home without OT because i am so sleepy and tired.. but today, yes i am still sleepy and tired but i still can stay.. feel so useless for afraid to buy hard disk.. feel so jealous for other people, why people can go out alone.. but me cant? why i so scare of going out alone? i dont dare to buy.. i even feel like cutting my hair short this time.. but i dont dare to go out.. dont dare to go saloon or hardware shop.. whatever.. i am useless

Alex just went out. He is my working senior. He usually let me do some work and go to office. But today we are doing different thing. He might be back soon after this. Time now is 2pm. Just now.. sad.. when lunch time. Don't know why i can't make myself stay on table right after i done my lunch.. I want to talk with my collegue.. Working de people. I have many thing to share and talk. But i can't get myself doing it. One more thing is.. I feel shy while facing Nicoles. Whats wrong! LoL funny. Maybe she is girl and i am boy. But i feel better with sister Liew. Our conversation goes well. Maybe she is elder. Actually i feel like working half day but i can't get through my work. I like to finish off everything before i leave. Don't like leaving it halfway. Feel not responding. Working half day is, i not enough sleep and i feel like going to see doctor. Taking MC. But never mind. Just continue work. Today back on usual time, 5.30pm. Really need more rest and today must bath early. Sleep early. My pillow.. need to change.. I still didn't get. What is my main causing for waking up middle of the night.. Forget to check health board. Whatever, next thing. Can anyone teach me how to get rid of my girlfriend? She start getting so annoying. Nicoles is right, i shouldn't just play disappear. It is not right. Bored. Advice to myself, i should, i will let her understand someday. I will leave her. I don't wish myself to scare of dating or having relationship with people. In love, for me, it is the most happiest thing ever. But not with my girlfriend. I really don't wish to be with her. But never mind. I have my life to go. I have my thing to busy and do. Maybe tonight i will start playing maplestory again. Reason i am playing? Sixth sense tell me i wont be able to own hard disk. Auto respond asked me to play game. But, i wont give up, i will get hard disk! I really love life that is watching animation. After having hard disk, maybe i will be house worm. Most important is happy, right? Just pray for it. Not much thing i can download with Qvod. Maybe hong kong drama, or animation that have cantonese or any chinese language. I can't read the chinese subtitle. And most important. Don't forget pokemon! I must download it completely. I fail to download previously because i don't have enough space. After owning hard disk, i must, i will, download pokemon completely! I night upgrade my online package thing so that i can improve my speed for streaming or downloading. Most important thing i can't let go.. It is my boomz. I feel like want to build it.. Make it strong. Or be the strongest. Very hard. But, just say it only.
Back home. Maybe boomz or maple. For maple, i need to farm massive lots of maple leaf. Huhu. Any reader? Lol sad

I feel like i get enough sleep. I didn't sleep late last night. Right? Okay maybe around 11pm time. For me, it is a bit earlier than 12am or after twelve. Yup, i am still getting up middle of the night, what to do? If my sleeping problem really get worse, i really need a medical check up. And for now, i am working. Time is 4pm. Around that time. Just down the front piece of 3 way housing mould. Product stuck. I suspect it as the injecting temperature too high. Maybe. Whatever. This problem really so boring and wasting time. I not gonna work for OT today if don't have anything running. Just have some extra time to write this, hope enough for my blog posting. And i will be continue my writing on car after working time if i stop. I really will die of sleepy. Trimming the filter housing. A lots of work but really sleepy.. Holding a knife and cut of the flashing part. Feel a bit free now because Alex go back to office. I think he is bored and tired about the product stucking at the injecting sprue. Really difficult to take off. Product is hard and stuck. By the way. I really feel so awkward each the my girlfriend say i miss you. I really feel like deleting her sms. I mind about her so much. Mind about her weight, look and whatever fucking shit. She don't look pretty or cute but she act that she IS. Problem is she is gigantic. If she is short and small size, i wont mind if she is overweight. At least she have her cute. Fuck if, she disgust me a lot when i think of many thing. Whatever. Compulsory things to tell myself so that i wont stress about her. I will try my best to let her understand about love can't be force. She is still young. Although i don't love her but she still can have a lots of choice. To be honest, how cruel of rude thing, i also can do. I can just cut of my number. Deactivate my all net account. Disappear from her forever, i guess. Then, of course my look need to have big change too so that in future when we meet, she wont recognise me. Good idea? I think too much now. Start making my imagination. What i am afraid is, she come to find me. My mind pop up a plan. Before i disappear, i will use her facebook account or try whatever way to write a note for her. Telling her about my disappearance or leaving. Count as inform. So that nothing back will happen. Eliminate my number or just make my number less active for sometime if i really can't let go my number. Fuck man. I am too much. Feel like start to make all plan for leaving her already. Bored. This really rude and cruel. Sorry so much yi zhen. I really can't be with you, i really dislike your almost everything. Your hair, your face, your lips, your nose, your neck, your shoulder, your chest, your stomach, your buttock, your leg and all. Personality, attitude, and habit. I dislike your everything. My animation is with her, i don't mind. As long as i can leave her, i can sacrifice everything. Sad case if she see this. Maybe someday yi zhen will see this. Maybe it will be long time le. Sorry for being together with her. Sorry for choosing her to be my girlfriend. Sorry for what have i done to you. Sorry about phone sex, for beginning, i am sorry, in the end, i lost interest with you. About MMS, sorry too. And hotel, i wont make it the fifth time. Please. No more. I don't know what to do with extra condom in house. Lol. Feel like throwing it. Keep for nothing, don't even have the use. Whatever. Keep wont waste. Maybe i got friend or people that need, i can give? 3piece only. Lol.. Whatever. I feel like playing back maple. And i feel wanted to get hard disk so much by this week. Quit all fucking game that spoil my brain, focus downloading. Yeah! I hope can ask for someone to accompany me go. Hope Nicoles willing to go with me. But asking ah wei go with me will be the best i guess. Miss Liew also can? Lol. Go alone ba xD noob. One more thing. Samyi confirm having cancer.. Really hope that she is fine and don't get worse. If everything go smooth, i think i will fly to sabah and visit her. I don't wish for her leaving. Every living things have its own right to survive till the end, no one can just end the life without reason. Lack of patient. Can't wait for my hard disk. I want to fill it with massive of animation song, or i mean japanese song. And a lots of movie and cartoon. Of course some game if can xD maximize my download time for computer in midnight time or daylight time. One day around 8hours or 10hours? Hm? This is all my writing when i am working. No going to continue after work. Any reader? Nope. Don't have. Sad. Haha.

The time when i am writing this, it is on first of april. The day when i go out with my girlfriend, and the time i am in bus, on my way back midvalley, then from there i will take taxi straight back. It is hard to meet up good taxi driver from midvalley to my house. I don't have confidences about going back by taxi in kota raya. Maybe it is better and cheaper? Hope i don't get dizzy till nearly vomit because i am writing on bus. Quite shaky but i am fine i guess. Today actually should be the day i went out to kl with girlfriend. Buying her stuff. Belated birthday present. Feeling quite depressing now because everything end up in hotel. I know i am horny or whatever fucking thing. I know i really pervert. Not really pervert but sex desire is a bit high. I manage to relief three time for around 3hours time. I should not have sex with her anymore in case accident do really happen. I don't want to be father this early and i don't want her to be pregnant in this young age. My energy, or what do i call. Erm, life power? Energytic? I am getting sleepy each day. Feel like getting it worse. My emotional control or what shit thing slowly get weak. Mind and thinking getting slow. Balances too. Just getting weaken by waking up middle of the night all time, it is everyday. I wont depress if i think of other thing. Having this girlfriend, she is really depressing me. Ya she really change a lot. I admit it. Finally i understand, love can't force. If you don't like, mean don't like. I will slowly solve my problem. I need more clear mind thinking. I need to have more enough sleep. I want to start doing my own business, earn my first bucket of money. I don't compare myself for other. I want to let all people know i am not a noob guy. I am the best. You might look down at me, but i want everyone proud of me. I still remember my dream. I wish to raise japanese animation popularity in malaysia with my hand. I mean heart. Someday, i will do it. I guess, i really stop being lazy now. Really regret why i am lazy when i got the energy to think and do. Now? Day by day, i am getting weak now. I really need medical check up. Need some expert and not those cincai. Yi zhen, after writing all this, my heart and mood feel better. I don't love you. I don't like you. But i will make you understand. Hope we can end in peace. Wait i regain back my energy. And hope i don't go early. Will be posting this in new blog. If there are reader. Thanks a lot. Sms me or call me. I will be free at 8pm daily. Need counselor or people to talk. Thanks again.

Actually not special day i guess..

i am getting more and more forgetful nowadays..
i really dont know what happen to me. yes, i might be forgetful, but i am genius, i am clever, i am very good in thinking things.. i just cant memorize thing well.. haha.. work so cham without good memory.. haha..
today samyi give me a very cute and leng picture again o! same like daily photo already..
super bad luck in maple today.. same to boomz.. why.. why i am so unlucky..

sunday go out gai gai lu.. feel so long time no out le, think back last time go out de mood, walao.. really bu xiang zai got le.. scare.. bu xiang yao kan lian hei hei.. zi xiang hao kai xin..

Meet le new friend o + gf intro comment

her name is guo xin yee, age 13 from sabah, meet in sdo. she is the a little girl lai de xP everyone dont mistake, i dont have any special relationship with her. but i believe there is many people think a lot and think me and her got something. we just contact daily and exchange photo by mms. this is her first photo.

and yes, this is her second mms photo. cute ba? hahahaha.. she is only 13 but she dont look like her age. she is a friend i contact daily so far but slowly, we will less contact le ba. i meet a lots of friend before that contact either at phone or facebook. much of it also less contact le.

first impression, wa.. what phone lai de, second impression, so cute, smiling~ third, good body shape wor xD forth is, eyebrow xP nothing much.. seriously, i got a bit afraid that she will fall to me @.@ it is impossible ba? but i still feel scare..

this picture melting me, she send it on today. for cheering me up. really feel sweet for this xD thanks ya samyi, good to have a cute friend like this too.

ops.. not leng de photo xD

ya, finally, this is my girlfriend.. i receive the 3 letter that she send already.. wao how come delay so many day? the first two letter is quite meaningless. only the third letter i feel a little bit touch because she listed.. first love is what, second love is what. she put me on first, haha.. but i feel like.. oh too much.. recently me and her really very unhappy. what really happen actually? everyone chasing for happiness in life, hope to stay happy and be happy. but she find me to argue every night, for what? girl natural ba.. i really sien with this kind of thing.. then, everyday talk love with me, walao weh, i need a rest please. my daily life become moody and unhappy. always in moody mood.. all is her fault. trouble finder and maker.. but whatever la.. to be honest and truth, i really dislike her in many way.. i cant accept and i cant xi guan.. it is one year plus already, our relationship never sweet, we remain like nothing only.

lonely life xD i like the alien pet, so damn funny..

Hello friend! LONG TIME NO SEE!

so long time didnt make any post.. didnt even create a post in 2012.. maybe i feel very lazy but i still got update my post in blog forum.. but now, i am back here again because i find out that blog forum is a bit blur blur. i use that forum to do something that blog cant do can liao lew..

now i feel like i got new thing to play or do le.. that is.. building my blog same like website. for gaming and downloading.. not bad ya hor? better than nothing do ba.. same like burning my time with doing stuff only..

[a lots of thing kept in my heart.. there are no chosen one to tell.. i wonder can i stand it]

short post.. got to get ready for work..